Saying goodbye

I had originally thought I would NEVER be able to be there if we had to have Brittany "put down" I just couldn't bear it. But lately the more I thought about it the more I felt I just had to be there. I couldn't let her go without me holding her and hugging and telling her how much I loved her. I never wanted my girls to be there though - they shouldn't have to go through something like that. So Saturday night it was extra emotionally hard since this all happened so quickly and there was no one around to leave the girls with we ended up taking them with us. Luckily when we got to the vet hospital there was no one there (except 3 older women who had just put down their cat :o( - so they took us right away. Honestly I think I was in such denial because I really didn't "see" us loosing her that night :o( Until I heard Scott whisper to the receptionist why we were there then I just completely broke down :o( This was really it :o(

So they took Brittany in the back to get her set up with her iv and we waited out in the waiting area. We all talked about her and cried and then we tried to explain to Kaitlyn (our 5yr old) what was going to happen and that is when she really started to "get it" that Brittany wouldn't be coming home with us :o( Only she doesn't understand really what death is so she thought we were giving her away to the vet :o( It took at least 10 minutes of her crying for us to convince her that we were not giving her to the vet that she was going to live in Heaven now with God and all the other animals that have passed on. We told her she would be with Aunt Sue's dog Jasper and she would see all her "family" and all the other pets that have died and gone to heaven. That seem to help her a litle bit and she calmed down.

I guess it took about 15 min or so for the techs to get Brittany set up then they called us in the room. She was lying on a blanket on the floor and the girls got to say their goodbyes. I could tell Heather was alittle timid and she quickly hugged and kissed her and then Kaitlyn hugged her and the receptionist took them out to the waiting area. Then the vet told us what she would be doing - at that point I just got down on the floor and wrapped my arms around her and sobbed. So the vet went on to give her the sedative and then injected the anesthesia - as we sat there waiting Brittany almost seemed to perk up? We both looked and I was at this point a bit confused and asked exactly how long does this take? The vet looked confused as well and then said "hmmm this is odd? we have enough here that it should have worked - this has never happened before?" so now we are like WTF??? What do you mean this has never happened before? So she then stood up and told us she would be right back. We both sat there just staring at each other like WTF WTF WTF???? Then a few moments later the vet comes back in the room with another set of needles and then goes on to tell us "the first time the tech tried to get the iv in Brittany's front paw she tried to bite them so they had to use her back paw but for some reason it wasn't working - so we need you both to step out so we can put the iv in the front paw but we will need to muzzle her since she tried to bite". Ok so at this point now we are not only emotionally distraught we are totally PISSED OFF! So we both go out in the waiting area right outside the door and then a few moments later they call us back in and that is when I seriously thought Scott was going to deck the vet! He looked at her and said seriously how the hell can you screw this up???? So then she says "well what happened was since the dog tried to bit we had to use her back leg and there was a fatty cyst where the iv was placed so that is why it didn't work blah blah blah" so then Scott told her you know what this hospital is just one big screw up after another - we have had no good experiences here whatsoever when it comes to this dog - we can never get a straight answer, they give us wrong information and the list just goes on and on. Oh and not to mention they rob you freakin blind! So of course the vet is all flabbergasted and she keeps blinking her eyes really fast (I guess she thought Scott was going to flip his lid LOL!) but in all honestly he wasn't yelling or going crazy he was just simply telling her the hospital sucks plain and simple. This is one of the most emotional experiences to go through and we had to go through it twice :o(

So after all that was said and done the vet did her thing and our beautiful beast drifted away peacefully.

That's it. she is gone :o( and there is nothing I can do about it :o( I feel so out of control :o( I am not handling this well at all. My heart is broken. It is like I can still feel her in my house. I keep thinking I can hear here coming down the hall. When I look down off the side of my bed she is no longer there and it is killing me :o( I know in time my heart will heal but right now it just hurts so much. I will keep writing though about her - this blog, afterall, a way for me to keep my memories of her alive so my next entries will be happy ones I promise :o)

All we have left are our memories

We had to say goodbye to our beloved Brittany on Saturday, February 20. She hasn't been well for a while now and I guess it all just got to be too much for her. Saturday started out pretty much like any other day - Britts was acting her "normal" self - well what we would consider normal for her these days. She had been coughing alot through the night which had me quite upset but by the morning she seemed to settle down and was sleeping peacefully. I had to take the girls to a b/day party at 10 so we left and were gone for about 2 hours. Scott was home working on my car. When we came back home Britts was up and about wandering around the kitchen then she settled down on one of her favorite blankets and just relaxed while we did "whatever". See one of my favorite things about Brittany was that she LOVED her family - she loved being around everyone - she was not the kind of dog that would go off by herself and not want to be bothered she always wanted to be right near us and the closer the better :o) Anyway we went on with our day as usual and around dinner time I ran out to pick up some food for us (I don't like to cook on Saturday - for some reason it has become almost like rule in our house LOL) When I got back I had picked up Tai for Scott and I and Wendy's chicken nuggets and fries for the girls. During dinner - like usual - Brittany was very "spunky" she spent most of her time hanging over by the girls because she always knew they were the easiest victims when it came to stealing food LOL! They of course always shared with her - so she had some fries and a chicken nugget or two. Then Scott decided to mash up a meatball and mix that in with her dry food. She ate it all up - but I noticed she left most of the dry food behind (what a stinker). He then let her out in the yard to do what she had to do. But about 10 min later she was standing by the door again? So I let her out and sure enough she had to go and then she came back in. I guess it was about 8:30ish or so I decided I wanted to try to finish reading my book so I sat down in our back room and called Britts to come and sit next to me (the girls and Scott were in our bedroom watching tv and playing on the computer) so I figured Britts would probably rather lay out here with me where is was nice and quite so she could relax. Only she didn't want to lay down instead she seemed restless and she started to pace around. Soon after she looked like she was going to vomit - which is not unusual when she eats something she likes she tends to gulp her food and then she will sometimes throw up soon after so I just tried to coax her to go out in the yard that way she wouldn't throw up on the rug or floor. When she got outside she continued to dryheave but nothing would come up only mucous. That is when I started to get nervous - since we were told about the lung tumors back in October I dreaded the moment when she would start to have breathing issues. She wandered aimlessly through the yard dry heaving for at least 15 min. I tried my best to coax her back into the house finally I was able to get her back inside and she continued to walked around gagging and choking - of course I started shaking and poor Heather (our 8yr old daughter) started crying. Finally she layed down on the floor and it was then that we got really scared because she started almost gasping and looked like she was really struggling to breathe. So we packed everyone up and went off to the vet hospital.

Obedience school anyone?

Seems like whenever we would tell people we were looking to get a puppy the first thing they would say is "oh you definitely have to take them to obedience training school" then when we would tell random people the breed of dog we were getting they would really push the issue of training. So when Britts was about 12 weeks we signed her up at the local Vet hospital for their obedience classes. From what I can remember the class was for 1 hour every Wednesday night for about 6 weeks? Geez I cannot even remember for sure how long but 6 weeks sounds about right. I do have to admit I was pretty excited to start the classes I thought it would a great way to meet other "dog" people plus Britts was going to be a BIG dog and I really was worried I wouldn't be able to control her so this class was just what we needed.

On the first night we all just introduced ourselves and our puppy and the trainer just went over some basic things and then he took each of our dogs and got familiar with them. There were mostly large breeds in the class but the one dog that still sticks out to me was the little Yorkie that was there - amongst all these giant breeds there was this little itty bitty Yorkie! I often laugh to myself still thinking why in the world would this little guy need training - I mean all the woman had to do if the dog got out of control was put him in her purse LOL!

Anyway we were there to learn some basic commands (sit, stay, down, etc). We were also going to teach our dogs how to walk correctly on the leash. That was the main thing I was excited about because I had always envisioned me and Britts taking nice leisurely strolls around the neighborhood (oh yeah more on that subject later LOL). I am pretty sure the trainer would "train" for about 45 min and then the last 15 min of each class was dedicated to "free play" which basically meant we all let our pups off their leashes and let them just play and roll and run and carry on with each other (all except for that little Yorkie that poor little guy would have gotten trampled so he was not allowed to play LOL). There was a nice Rottie there (I am not a fan of the Rottie but this pup really impressed me - he was about 5 months old and just the most obedient sweet dog - he really did well learning his commands and he was just a nice dog all around) there was also another dog who I can still remember to this day - she was a 5 month old Newfoundland (I think I am spelling that right) her name was Abby - anyway she was gorgeous she was a reddish-brown and just looked like a big teddy bear. I also remember she immediately took an interest in Brittany (who BTW seemed to be alittle nervous around the others when it came to free play - she would tend to lag behind when the group was running and kind of stuck more by Scott and I rather than play with the others). One night when it was time for free play we took Brittany off her leash and immediately Abby came over to check out Britts. I never saw Britts sit so tall and still like that night LOL! It was the funniest sight she just sat there really tall and didn't move a muscle - only her eyes moved back and forth - she probably figured if she stayed really still and didn't make any sudden moves maybe that big brown pile of fur would go away LOL! Eventually as the weeks went on Britts played more and more and didn't seem as nervous. I guess she was coming into her own :o)

Throughout the class she did ok but honestly I didn't feel as if she really "learned" anything - she was pretty good with sitting when we would tell her to but as far as the walking on the leash ugh it was a disaster - still is 10 years later. She is just NOT good on the leash plain and simple. She pulls alot and if she sees something she wants forget it whoever is holding her leash is going for a ride LOL! I have been on plenty of "rides" with her that is why for the past oh 6 years she has been pretty much a "backyard" pooch - meaning we have a huge backyard which is all for Brittany - it is where she can run free and get all the exercise she needs. Scott on the other hand would still take her on the occasional walk - though over the past year that has really stopped because she has pretty bad arthritis in her back leg.

Brittany did end up receiving her "degree" from this obedience class but I would have to honestly say it really wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. Part of is was our fault since we didn't really reinforce any of the training techniques the trainer showed us but I just didn't feel like he really showed us all that much KWIM? I think if we were to get another Mastiff we would probably do more extensive training and possibly get a one-on-one trainer to work with us rather than going to a class with alot of other dogs - it seemed to be too much of a distraction for Brittany. But you live and learn right - all in all the class was fun and heck Britts did learn a few little things like how to sit really tall and still when a big hairy "beast" comes to check you out LOL!

So we did get the snow afterall

We probably got about 7 inches - not a ton but enough for Britts to enjoy herself. We are expecting more tomorrow - so that on top of what we already have should be good for some snow fun for the old girl :o)

I was thinking the other day about how fast 10 years have gone by. I'm sorry I spent so much time caught up in "every day life" to really enjoy what was important. I can't even really remember Brittany as a little pup - to me she has always been this 170lb "dog". Though just the other day I saw my neighbor across the street and suddenly remember how much he loved Britts when we brought her home. He kept stopping by to see her and I remember he was holding her and I was so worried he'd drop her! For some reason too he has an "odd" affect on her. She almost gets "giddy" when he is around LOL! It is like she has a crush on him or something. The funniest thing had to be about 5 years ago he stopped over with his wife and we were all standing in our home theater room when in comes Brittany she walks over to Larry all excited and then proceeds to pee all over his foot!!! OMG I didn't know whether to laugh or be angry with her but it was just so funny! Why in the world she did that we have no idea - Larry just laughed and said no big deal but I know Scott was so embarassed - poor Brittany was banished to kitchen LOL!!!

Maybe some snow?

Well supposedly we are going to get hit with some big snowstorm this weekend. However as the time is drawing nearer to actual start of the snow to accumulations have suddenly started to drop - why am I not surprised? The weather people I think get a thrill out of getting everyone in an uproar and oh yeah I think they have some sort of deal going with all the grocery stores as well - cause you know when people think "snow" they immediately need to run out and clean off the bread and milk shelves LOL!

I am not a huge fan of the winter - but I do like a good "snowstorm". Brittany has always loved the snow. I remember the first time we took her out in the snow. She was only about 9 or 10 weeks. We took her to this bike trail and we thought oh how fun we would try out her new leash and take her for a walk on this trail. Oh sure - good plan right? well Brittany didn't think so - as a matter of fact she didn't like that idea at all and decided she wasn't going to walk to we had to take turns carrying her. Now when you think "puppy" you think aawwwww this little itty bitty puppy that can fit in your pocket. Well WRONG when it comes to the mastiff puppy. I always remember my mother seeing her for the first time and saying "OMG she is so cute but that's a puppy???" LOL! Anyway our 9 week old puppy had to weigh probably about 25 lbs so imagine carrying a 25 lb pup who has no "control" meaning she can hold on to you so you have to try to maneuver (sp?) yourself so you can hold on to her while you are trying not to slip and fall - actually it is pretty funny now thinking back of course it wasn't all that funny then. By the time we got back to the car we were both out of breath and poor Brittany was shivering - we hurried up and got her in the car and wrapped her in a blanket. We couldn't wait to get her home and get her all toasty warm!

Funny how over the years she really has adapted to the snow - she LOVES it! when she goes out for the first time after the newly fallen snow is on the ground she gets almost "giddy" she will gallop along and dig her face into it and come up with the "beard of snow" she really loves it. I think over the years that has been my favorite part of the snow is seeing her enjoying herself in it. Even now she is old and really on her last leg but she will still seem to turn into a puppy when it snows! I feel this weekend might be her last "snow" so I hope it is a good one and I hope my sweet gal has the time of her life and gallops to her hearts content :o)

I'm going to jump forward for a moment

When I thought of writing this blog about Brittany I wanted to do it because I wanted to somehow try and keep my memories of her not only in my head but down on paper (that way even when I am older and "forgetful" I can always go back and read about her). So alot of what I am writing happened maybe 10 years ago maybe 5 years ago, etc. However, today I wanted to write about something that is happening right now. Brittany is not doing well :o( We have known since October that she has tumors in her lungs. When she first got sick the vet told us she had maybe 2 weeks. That was almost 4 months ago. Unfortunately the past week or so she has been sort of going downhill. She is coughing ALOT and it is a very non-productive type of a cough (meaning she is not coughing any up even though she sounds extremely "mucousy" - sorry if I didn't spell that right). Anyway this past week me and Scott have been talking about what we are going to do since she really does not sound well and she looks like she has lost even more weight (don't forget this is a dog that once weighed 175lbs - when we took her to the vet in Feb of last year she was 165 when we took her back in Oct she was down to 136 :o( I don't even know what she is now. She is having trouble getting up now too - not all the time but sometimes so I have to help her. She limps alot as well and we are not sure if it is just her artheritis or if it is something more serious. When we found out she had the lung tumors back in October we decided to just take her home. We didn't want to put her through any painful testing or procedures. She is a 10 year old Mastiff - lifespans for the Mastiff is 8-10 years. why should we put her through any kind of testing or treatments that will make her sick at this stage of her life - I know the vets try to push the chemo but really what will that give her another month? We just couldn't do that to her. We really thought we were going to loose her shortly after that vet visit in October but she is still here - unfortunately like I said she has been deteriorating. I can't begin to describe the sadness I am feeling - I can't even talk about it with anyone without tearing up. At home I will literally sit and sob. I never in a million years thought something like this would hit me so hard but I feel as if this is going to kill me. She is my pal. We had her before we had our girls. My house is not going to be the same without her :o( I am not sure when we will take her - I really hoped she would just go to sleep one night on her blanket and pass away peacefully but somehow I don't think that is going to happen. I don't want her to suffer and I don't want it to get to the point where this poor sweet dog is gasping for breath. But I keep thinking who am I to decide "when" she should die? This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I do plan to continue telling the stories of Brittany because as I said I want to keep my memories written down somewhere so when I am old and gray I can go back and read about my sweet girl. I always said all Brittany wants is love - that's it- just love and oh yeah any extra food off your plate that you don't want :o)