Saying goodbye

I had originally thought I would NEVER be able to be there if we had to have Brittany "put down" I just couldn't bear it. But lately the more I thought about it the more I felt I just had to be there. I couldn't let her go without me holding her and hugging and telling her how much I loved her. I never wanted my girls to be there though - they shouldn't have to go through something like that. So Saturday night it was extra emotionally hard since this all happened so quickly and there was no one around to leave the girls with we ended up taking them with us. Luckily when we got to the vet hospital there was no one there (except 3 older women who had just put down their cat :o( - so they took us right away. Honestly I think I was in such denial because I really didn't "see" us loosing her that night :o( Until I heard Scott whisper to the receptionist why we were there then I just completely broke down :o( This was really it :o(

So they took Brittany in the back to get her set up with her iv and we waited out in the waiting area. We all talked about her and cried and then we tried to explain to Kaitlyn (our 5yr old) what was going to happen and that is when she really started to "get it" that Brittany wouldn't be coming home with us :o( Only she doesn't understand really what death is so she thought we were giving her away to the vet :o( It took at least 10 minutes of her crying for us to convince her that we were not giving her to the vet that she was going to live in Heaven now with God and all the other animals that have passed on. We told her she would be with Aunt Sue's dog Jasper and she would see all her "family" and all the other pets that have died and gone to heaven. That seem to help her a litle bit and she calmed down.

I guess it took about 15 min or so for the techs to get Brittany set up then they called us in the room. She was lying on a blanket on the floor and the girls got to say their goodbyes. I could tell Heather was alittle timid and she quickly hugged and kissed her and then Kaitlyn hugged her and the receptionist took them out to the waiting area. Then the vet told us what she would be doing - at that point I just got down on the floor and wrapped my arms around her and sobbed. So the vet went on to give her the sedative and then injected the anesthesia - as we sat there waiting Brittany almost seemed to perk up? We both looked and I was at this point a bit confused and asked exactly how long does this take? The vet looked confused as well and then said "hmmm this is odd? we have enough here that it should have worked - this has never happened before?" so now we are like WTF??? What do you mean this has never happened before? So she then stood up and told us she would be right back. We both sat there just staring at each other like WTF WTF WTF???? Then a few moments later the vet comes back in the room with another set of needles and then goes on to tell us "the first time the tech tried to get the iv in Brittany's front paw she tried to bite them so they had to use her back paw but for some reason it wasn't working - so we need you both to step out so we can put the iv in the front paw but we will need to muzzle her since she tried to bite". Ok so at this point now we are not only emotionally distraught we are totally PISSED OFF! So we both go out in the waiting area right outside the door and then a few moments later they call us back in and that is when I seriously thought Scott was going to deck the vet! He looked at her and said seriously how the hell can you screw this up???? So then she says "well what happened was since the dog tried to bit we had to use her back leg and there was a fatty cyst where the iv was placed so that is why it didn't work blah blah blah" so then Scott told her you know what this hospital is just one big screw up after another - we have had no good experiences here whatsoever when it comes to this dog - we can never get a straight answer, they give us wrong information and the list just goes on and on. Oh and not to mention they rob you freakin blind! So of course the vet is all flabbergasted and she keeps blinking her eyes really fast (I guess she thought Scott was going to flip his lid LOL!) but in all honestly he wasn't yelling or going crazy he was just simply telling her the hospital sucks plain and simple. This is one of the most emotional experiences to go through and we had to go through it twice :o(

So after all that was said and done the vet did her thing and our beautiful beast drifted away peacefully.

That's it. she is gone :o( and there is nothing I can do about it :o( I feel so out of control :o( I am not handling this well at all. My heart is broken. It is like I can still feel her in my house. I keep thinking I can hear here coming down the hall. When I look down off the side of my bed she is no longer there and it is killing me :o( I know in time my heart will heal but right now it just hurts so much. I will keep writing though about her - this blog, afterall, a way for me to keep my memories of her alive so my next entries will be happy ones I promise :o)