I'm going to jump forward for a moment

When I thought of writing this blog about Brittany I wanted to do it because I wanted to somehow try and keep my memories of her not only in my head but down on paper (that way even when I am older and "forgetful" I can always go back and read about her). So alot of what I am writing happened maybe 10 years ago maybe 5 years ago, etc. However, today I wanted to write about something that is happening right now. Brittany is not doing well :o( We have known since October that she has tumors in her lungs. When she first got sick the vet told us she had maybe 2 weeks. That was almost 4 months ago. Unfortunately the past week or so she has been sort of going downhill. She is coughing ALOT and it is a very non-productive type of a cough (meaning she is not coughing any up even though she sounds extremely "mucousy" - sorry if I didn't spell that right). Anyway this past week me and Scott have been talking about what we are going to do since she really does not sound well and she looks like she has lost even more weight (don't forget this is a dog that once weighed 175lbs - when we took her to the vet in Feb of last year she was 165 when we took her back in Oct she was down to 136 :o( I don't even know what she is now. She is having trouble getting up now too - not all the time but sometimes so I have to help her. She limps alot as well and we are not sure if it is just her artheritis or if it is something more serious. When we found out she had the lung tumors back in October we decided to just take her home. We didn't want to put her through any painful testing or procedures. She is a 10 year old Mastiff - lifespans for the Mastiff is 8-10 years. why should we put her through any kind of testing or treatments that will make her sick at this stage of her life - I know the vets try to push the chemo but really what will that give her another month? We just couldn't do that to her. We really thought we were going to loose her shortly after that vet visit in October but she is still here - unfortunately like I said she has been deteriorating. I can't begin to describe the sadness I am feeling - I can't even talk about it with anyone without tearing up. At home I will literally sit and sob. I never in a million years thought something like this would hit me so hard but I feel as if this is going to kill me. She is my pal. We had her before we had our girls. My house is not going to be the same without her :o( I am not sure when we will take her - I really hoped she would just go to sleep one night on her blanket and pass away peacefully but somehow I don't think that is going to happen. I don't want her to suffer and I don't want it to get to the point where this poor sweet dog is gasping for breath. But I keep thinking who am I to decide "when" she should die? This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I do plan to continue telling the stories of Brittany because as I said I want to keep my memories written down somewhere so when I am old and gray I can go back and read about my sweet girl. I always said all Brittany wants is love - that's it- just love and oh yeah any extra food off your plate that you don't want :o)